I was sitting at my desk working on my website when my daughter Taylor came in for the millionth time to ask a question. Exhausted, I told her to go ask her dad who was in the other room. She looked right at me as tears filled her eyes; I stopped what I was doing to focus on her. Then she asked me the most heart wrenching question, “How can I rely on Dad when he is going to deploy again?” My heart broke.
She continued; I’ve been super busy with work stuff, her oldest sister moved out of her room, her other sister wants to spend more time alone instead of playing with her, and the boys - well - they’re boys.
In that moment I understood her core concern. Deep down she questioned, “Is there anyone I can really rely on?” We discussed how I am always here for her, then she come up with ways she can connect with her dad even when he is gone. We remembered how her sisters are still around and yes - the boys are there for her too. After a few minutes she started to feel better, she felt in control. So she went and asked her father for whatever she needed help with.
This experience painfully highlighted the pressures put on military children. Being a military child comes with a lot of challenges that most other kids don't face: They’re constantly moving and saying good bye to friends, they deal with the worries of war, and what other people say about war. I can’t tell you how many times my children have come home from school or another activity after overhearing something that caused them to worry about their dad's safety, or question why he was deployed - again.
The truth is - it's hard. We try our best to help him connect with our six children but who knows what is truly going on in their thoughts. I have kids who can to handle Dad being gone, while others deal with depression and feelings of “Dad misses everything”. My heart hurts for them daily and I do what I can to help: find a therapist or a life coach, find friends who understand, one-on-one time with me, one-on-one time with Dad.
But I always wonder - is it enough? Am I enough, is our family doing enough? Are they connecting? These questions consume my thoughts more than my husband’s next deployment. The worry has become my friend.
However as a military spouse for over 17 years I have learned each deployment is different, and each child will handle them differently. We need to take the time to hear what our children are thinking and feeling. Reassure them that it's okay; they are allowed to feel that way and we are a safe place for them to express their thoughts.
It’s okay to worry about the connections our children are forming with other family members. But we can help them train their thinking, because ultimately - relationships are in our thoughts; what we believe and think about ourselves and the other person. Taylor believed she didn’t know who to rely on, but I was able to help her see all the people she can rely on; whether they are right next to her or an ocean away, she can still rely on them.
After seven deployments I’m often asked, "How do you do it?! What is your advice?"
It’s this: Be intentional, do the best you know how, learn new things and most importantly, remember - you - are - enough. You can handle whatever comes your way. Share your struggles and strengths with your children and spouse; you are stronger together.
Most importantly, I have learned that as the parent at home you need support. That is where a life coach can come in. My life coach helped me see that I can’t control how my children feel, but I can control how I take care of me; and my job is to show-up as the best me possible so I can give them my best. So they know they can always, always, rely on me. If I take care of myself I have more to give my children when they are struggling, and we are stronger together.
I’m Maria Strange! I'm a Certified Life Coach, mother of 6, member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and a military spouse doing my best to thrive each and every day. I get the honor of helping military wives live their perfectly imperfect lives and I am excited to help you too! Whether you want to lose weight, make a career change, or you're dealing with overwhelming life events such as deployment, as your life coach, I am here to guide you, support you and hold you accountable on your journey to learn, grow and thrive. Maria Strange Coaching specializes in military spouses, however, I coach clients all over the world.
Comments